tied together with a smile.

listen to my wordplay

No longer fearless
The older we get, the more complicated things become. That includes studies, work, friends, relationships and so on.

The more you push your limits, the more you wonder: is it normal for him to be doing this? What does he see me as?

J and my emotional baggage is helping me dig my heels into what might have been a whirlwind thing. I just hope he's not (secretly) an asshole. I don't want to feel worse than i have felt.

Only time will tell.

(no subject)

为什么总在非常脆弱的时候, 怀念你?

conflicted again
This was supposed to be a fuss-free, simple thing that keeps me happy because there's a place for my frustrations to go.

But now, it's become so complicated that even I myself need to to rethink it.

I don't want to let go, but I can feel myself slipping back into that mode that I have tried so hard to get out of for the past 6 months. And another thing is that I don't trust him. This thing has gone way beyond the pre-defined boundaries and I don't know how to sort it out. Even he doesn't know what he wants.

BFF is right. We need a time out, and I hope I have the courage to walk away from it if things don't work out.

Sometimes, I wonder, what do i really want? I don't know, but what i do know is that I don't want to get hurt, and I don't want people to run away from me again. I'd rather do the running.

I need more time. 

On the up side, because this is screwing around with my mind, J hasn't made his round to my mind for a few days. Maybe, at the end of it, I'd just miss the presence of another companion, and not him anymore.

Why is it so difficult to move on?

(no subject)


还是不可否认的, 我比想像中爱你


Seriously, what am I gonna do with the rest of my life?

The vision of a family and children with someone I love is shattered beyond recognition. Yet, I can't help but want it back even though he doesn't love me anymore. And I can't go back to being the progressive woman I once was, because I just seem to be stuck.

Everything doesn't seem like it'll be okay in the end.


Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.


sawatdee ka.
First blog post in Bangkok!

I have an insane shopping itch nowwww omg. But we can't go to JJ market tomorrow because we have to WORK. ON A SATURDAY. That's right. There's no such thing as 5 day week here. My work schedule is 9am to 6pm from Monday to Fridays and Saturday is 9am to 2pm in the afternoon ))): But I BOUGHT 3 TOPS DURING LUNCH TIME WTF. I was surprised at myself. HAHAH. I have to justify though, that they're not new. They're second hand but they look fine. And i really love vintage clothes :D as long as i can pull it off i don't care.

Okay, so far I like my colleagues - Nan, Oat, Oaum and Took. Those are their nicknames, don't ask me what their real names are. We had free chicken rice today haha, have to treat them back before we leave. Chicken rice here ain't as good as Singapore though everything else is probably nicer. Actually, Thailand is like Taiwan - food everywhere is nice. Their chilli is really awesome 'cause it's spicy. Most Singaporean chicken rice chilli is more for flavouring then for burning-your-mouth goodness.

So far, its just that...and everyone has been really nice to me here, especially all my thailand 'uncles' and 'aunties'. In particular auntie ying - who brought us out for food and bought us all the crazy random things we needed ever since my parents left for Singapore. She's so motherly that she refuses to until we are showered and 'ready' for bed. This can't go on LOL. Have to be independent! It starts by washing my own clothes and speaking Thai to the real Thais and hope I'm not busted.

Okay, sleepy. Shall go surf 9gag for awhile then go to bed.

Shag max
Past few days have been a whirlwind of activity. So freaking tired, but I can't complain since I'm the one leaving for 2 months. 

On Monday, I had my JB cherry popped hahaha. With AJ, Afiq and Gernaine. Things were cheap beyond belief lol. Kosong prata $0.35, maggi cup noodles $0.70 and seafood dinner like $10 wtfff. But it really is dangerous, going across the causeway is like rewinding time 20 years. Sigh. Anyway, it was a good day out! And i made a 'gay' best friend haha.

Went swimming with my gay best friend on Tuesday. HTHT, learnt alot of things that I didn't know. Had dinner with my parents at Malaysian food street and met BFF for dinner at vivo. I wish most days can be like this, just friends and family. Life would be so good and simple.

Wednesday can only be described as one word: DISASTER. Went clubbing with Gernaine and Haowen, expecting a good night and of all things we had to see Sam AND Remi. Oh my god. Suay max can. I'm not really affected by it so much by seeing remi. I thought about J; but i think my ability to block things out has been strengthened. I just had to portray that i didn't care. I have no idea if this is a good or bad thing. Gernaine was emo for awhile, but at least I see that she has made some improvement over the past 3 months.

Okay time to go meet Constance, Justin and Yatkah lol. Later going for dinner with the TJ hockey people and watching the avengers with the duku road gang. What did i tell you? Today shag max.

(no subject)
Good boy isn't really a good boy after all.

Or maybe it's me.

Whatever, should take things more lightly. I would kill for the cure now.

3 people in 1 cubicle


Still haven't packed or decided what stuff I'm going to bring over to Bangkok. RARR.

Went to phuture last night with Gernaine and Yingzi (: Super impromptu. I wanted to as well, because I dug up a photo of us while packing. So guess what I did? I CUT MYSELF OUT AND BURNT HIS FACE OUT HAHAHA. Fucking therapeutic, after all that I went through in the past 5 months. I actually cried, the first time in like a month. After reading kaykay's tweets about her ex-boyfriend, I feel the same. I might be a crazy psycho bitch sometimes, I think i did my part in being a good girlfriend. Everything went well until it fell apart - it's like unravelling a whole woven carpet with one tug.

Sigh. On the up side, i had fun last night. PLUS WE GOT FREE ENTRY COURTESY OF YZ'S FRIEND :DDD
So we only spent about $25, half of what we would have to spend haha. And we got damn high, better than wednesday. I really think its' because of the alcohol and the twisties HAHA. They're like the must-haves now. Ohh and we met Seann last night on the bridge while drinking lolol. Such a coincidence lah.

AND WE HID THE BOTTLE OF BAILEY'S UNDER THE TREE HAHAHA. Crazy things. And I saw so many people last night =.= wtf. Valerian and swee liang etc.

one crying, one aunt agony, one fucking gone + 1. 


Up at 11am the next day after clubbing because people are coming to remove the things we wanna throw away for the painting to begin on Monday. Fucking falling asleep while waiting ):

Anyways, my exams are finally over! Even though I probably screwed myself up this sem, the relief of handing in the last script is so thick I could slice it with a knife. Haha.

Last night I finally met up with Gernaine and miss Looi, who has been really busy with exams and with tee because he had hfmd. Went back to Phuture with the both of them and it was raining FML. No drinks, no twisties. Damn sian but yuen's friend, the mr. Seann I've met last year came and we shared a jug of Malibu pineapple. It felt like I was drinking liquefied pineapple tarts haha.

Plus the music last night in the beginning wasn't very good either. So we were so bored we were almost just standing around. But as usual, things got better at about 2am. This is the good/bad thing about phuture, you know there'll be some good stuff at the end - just depends on how long you have to wait for it. And I think I will keep going back because they give free ice water hahahahaha. VERY IMPORTANT.

Bumped into Joshua Lum last night, PJ's ex, who was horrifically drunk. Somehow, you never know if drunk people know what they're doing, so do we continue making the excuse for them that they're drunk? It was quite disturbing because I didn't think I'll ever see him like that. And weirdly, he knows my name. I thought nobody knows me hahaha.

Okay the most important part of this post is to tell myself that I'm free. Not just from exams but from J's hold over me. I can finally let go of the fact that I don't belong to him, at least physically. Even though I can't feel what I'm feeling, I think the emotional part will come in later. I'm just happy I finally cleared this 'stage' after a 3 month struggle.

Want to end this saying that I'm really grateful to my friends, who have been there and understood me when no one else did. You know who you are ((: ❤❤❤

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