tied together with a smile.

listen to my wordplay

为什么失去了,还要被惩罚呢?
emilythebizarre
2 more papers to go.

The days ahead will be very, very busy. Studying gives me too much time to think, even though i know i have to study.

I don't know why but I keep thinking so much recently. Somehow, that wall i built between me and pain is crumbling. Now I think it's better to not feel anything at all.

Maybe its the recent urge to listen to Mayday's songs. They're killing me, especially 我不愿让你一个人 and 你不是真正的快乐. I want exams to hurry up and be over so i can go party and do other things to keep myself occupied so I don't think anymore.

How long will it take me to forget you? How long will it take before it stops hurting? How long will it take before your shadow is cast off from my life?

No more. I need those walls.

我再也不會夢, 或痛, 或心動了.
 

够了
emilythebizarre
Talking to G about 1993, we feel that he's really still a little boy. An unscarred, innocent, inexperienced boy at the age of 19.

Both of us? Overly experienced pair of 21 year olds, wondering whether to protect him or to wake him up from that safe, untouched world of his that merely grazed the tip of the iceberg that is life.

Honestly, I feel that we should be doing the latter; but then again, I realized I lost that very innocence at the same (tender?) age of 19 as well. So many things happened that year; so many mistakes and wrong moves that i made, just because I didn't give a fuck. I didn't think that I could become any worse off. I was abandoned, broken, hurt to the deep reaches of my soul. I didn't believe I would make it back, but I did.

I did and here I am - abandoned, broken, and hurt all over again. Some part of me has disappeared into the abyss of cynicism, moral or other wise. I can no longer date an unscarred person, who doesn't understand what I've gone through. In fact, I don't think I can find this person at all. I am now in my prime, that is the truth. So, when that prime is over is 8 years or so, would I really remain single and fated to die alone? I don't know, but somehow, my brain is telling me it might not be all that bad.

I just feel so drained of everything. I feel like I have nothing else to give; I gave everything away since I was 16. 3 relationships in 4.5 years - everything feels so normal and no big deal when you put it in numbers and statistics. Sigh. I just feel so empty. AJ said, he doesn't feel pain anymore. I tried to feel myself, and all I get is numbness - I can't even feel what I'm feeling.

The scary part is: I'm not even scared anymore. I just feel like I don't give a fuck.

Good job, really. Good job.

Enough is enough.

不想再爱了, 不想再痛了, 就算会失去了天份
我想安稳, 我想完整, 我想我受的伤够了




想念是会呼吸的痛
emilythebizarre
My first blog post from the computer for a long time :D

Still awake at 5am, and I'm supposed to wake up at 10 plus tomorrow to meet Gernaine for lunch, and AJ's place after to mug )):

AND I ACTUALLY WENT TO P AGAIN last night HAHAHAHA. Went with G, Clara, Geraldine and Danny. I find it amusing that I can actually click with the SMU people; but the fact that it's S's clique leaves a rather bad aftertaste. I don't want to be taking over her friends. Oh wait, she has no friends. Mean but I really detest people who 重色轻友.

As for the clubbing, last night was relatively free to dance (: but i had a semi stalker across the dance floor again. LOL. I thought he was okay, but he sounded damn ah beng and gave off the bad boy vibe. NO MORE BAD BOYS; I'm not gonna fuck my life over. The resemblance is too much to bear. But i seem to feel more at east, with being more physically comfortable with the opposite gender. I hate J for making me feel that I belong to him so wholly, that I even feel this now. It's been 4 fucking months, way too long to feel like shit. Finally, i can say I'm free, even though he still has me enslaved to the standard that he is - nobody is good looking anymore, not even G's handsome.

Then there was this super gross bespectacled guy (who looks quite Korean imo) who kept touching my ass. Good god, i elbowed him and pushed his hands away countless times before he stopped. Fucking annoying. But at least I finally got abit high last night compared to the past few times. Thank you tequila shots, even though you're quite gross.

On another topic, Lincoln and YZ broke up. We found out on Tuesday night, when G, AJ and I were studying at the SMU library. She feels like me three years back, and almost the same age as well. I totally understand what she's going through, and I don't understand why Lincoln doesn't learn from his mistakes. Why doesn't he see that the way he handles things is really bad and hurtful? I hate how feelings abruptly end for him; and that he shows no sign of it.

Last night, G asked if I would take him back, if he loved me as much as before. I don't think so; my position on second chances hasn't changed. If he can hurt you once, he can hurt you again. People are like that, they may be grateful for awhile; but they forget. Same goes for J, as much as I love him, I won't take him back even if he begged me because he's a fucking loser who relies on women too much his entire life. He can't go without them. I need someone made of stronger stuff, stronger will power and more discipline.

Maybe I'll never find him.

Meh. Who needs men.

我的微笑都假了, 灵魂像飘浮着, 你在就好了.
The pain never really goes away.


Changes
emilythebizarre

Was feeling abit sian a few days ago and I went back to read all my posts from day 1 I got this lj to this day. And I sure do not regret having this, because our memories have holes. Some of the things I did, felt or said a couple of years ago, I actually forgot. It's quite scary actually. How our memory fix themselves by omitting or lying to us because they don't have enough gray matter to remember everything.

Anyhow, that's not my main point. I think I did enough crazy things 3 years ago to last a lifetime. I saw my thinking mature alot and I'm behaving much more responsibly now. In short, Emily is growing up.

A sense of loss penetrates me, because I have lost my devil may care attitude yet deep down, I know this is for the better. So many things I want to say - but, there's no comfort to be gained from saying it. In fact, there's no comfort to be gained from anywhere anymore because of this loss.

On a lighter note. I'm texting a 19 year old guy WTF. All thanks to Gernaine lol. Her fault for attracting them.

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Diseased
emilythebizarre

Went out to P again last night. Cos G and I said that it would be the last time before exams start. And rightly so.

A bridge full of people drinking, and we were the only ones equipped with snacks haha. And the ratio? 1:8. That's just on the bridge.

I honestly don't know if it's good to have boy magnets as friends. Would you feel overshadowed, overlooked, like you don't matter? Or would you feel relieved, that you don't have to deal with this? I feel it both, honestly. This push-pull thing is annoying max.

Poly people annoy me. Maybe because J was from poly and he said the same thing to me the night we met as this 19 year old drunkard. I don't get the good looking ones, but when I do, I bag them straight away. Ha! That's what I try to console myself with.

Somehow, I can't luxuriate under someone's touch anymore. Life would be so much less painful if I could. I wonder if I could ever let go of myself again.

So many grenades as well last night, but none as big as Y haha!

My faith in men is still in the negative zone, even though I witnessed an exemplary attached man last night. I wonder if it'll ever come back. Will I have an Alex? I don't know.

But I miss you so much tonight. I love you still.

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The club strikes back
emilythebizarre

Had a unexpected confrontation with R a few days earlier. As expected, he just takes me as a "good" friend and nothing else. But idk wtf is wrong with their family - nothing also must say "don't expect too much from me". I think they should just man up. I don't like the way they think and talk.

Anyway, these are the few words I want to say before I sleep. Went to zouk today with gernaine, danny, clara and geraldine (i just met the latter 2 today) even though I have a presentation later, in 5 hours. Hahaha too stressed much. Screaming (songs) out is my outlet.

Thought there were many attempts on their part, today is a guy-free day for me. Clara, the only one attached, was the most pops lol. But it was fun (((: haven't felt this good kind of tired in awhile.

Gonna go for my power nap now. Good night!

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Amor Nervosa Deliria
emilythebizarre
I feel so vulnerable. Like anything, anything at all, can leave me feeling sad.

Case in point today: watching the "Remembering ECP Macdonald's" for urban sociology. Where are my repository of memories?

That aside, I just finished reading delirium.

I asked myself: to protect my heart, would i go through the procedure?

I was really tempted to say yes. No more pain, stable life, no more emotional crap from myself, no more feelings.

But deep down i know it's impossible; and i wouldn't go through with it. Because despite what has happened so far, the heart is yearning for love again. Doesn't matter if you're straight, gay or bi, everybody needs love. Happiness doesn't come from a guy (it's just a guy here because i'm straight). That sort of crazy, delirious happiness comes from love.

In the end, love will save, and kill, us all.

Emo crap again
emilythebizarre

That emotional tsunami that AJ spoke of is visiting me now. I don't know why but I actually told R about it. Wtf is wrong with me?!

J popped up many times today. Too many. That's what happens when you get too attached. Must never let it happen again, not ever. The heart feels very heavy now. I think I have enough damage for a lifetime, and I'm only 22. Ah, the irony of it. Maybe I'm destined to die young or something.

Anyway, I'm beginning to think there's nothing between us; I don't know if that's good or bad. He's just a concerned friend, most likely. But somehow, a part of me wished he did like me so I had something to look forward to.

I will always love J, even if it's just in my memories. The same goes for L and B, to a smaller extent.

I know life is not rainbows and unicorns. Those things don't even exist. But honestly, I just wished that for once, someone could make me feel that I actually matter. Not used, not exploited and thrown away like a rag doll.

Why did you have to move on so fast? I hate you for that.

我疯了,就疯了。没有资格过问。

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(no subject)
emilythebizarre

Back here less than 24 hours later.

The light hearted stuff first. Had fun playing with all doggies at gentle paws (: it was noisy, drooly and all, but it's the good kind of nasty. I try not to see the ugly side of people but it's a juxtaposition I cannot ignore. The shelter rents it's place from the pet farm. The former is all mongrel, warm and happy. The latter is pedigree, cool and reeks of commercialization. Mmmm. Not so light hearted after all.

Contemplating my "relationship" (what do I even call it??!) with R, I think it's for me to take a step back. The heart wants to love somebody again, but the mind is saying that the heart should know better than this. I've always listened to my mind. The scary part seems to be that the heart is bent on winning this time.

Even SW says to give R a chance. Someone please tell me what to do.

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(no subject)
emilythebizarre

So much has happened since the last time I was here. I think I'll be posting almost exclusively from my phone from now on.

Somehow through many random twists and turns, I met R. Its really a long story. But in summary: G met L at the club, they bump into each other again 6 months later. R, who is L's cousin, started asking G about me on draw something. She gave him my number and at this stage, we've met thrice.

At first he was just a distraction that I welcomed. Getting to know a person is like that. Then suddenly, it sounds as if he was using me as a source of information for G. Although he denied it, I knew that I wasn't trusting him.

Then, he made me laugh. And we went out. The day he said I was uptight I got fucking angry. That was then I realized that I actually started caring for this person.

I was running scared. I wanted to bolt like a deer, racing for her life.

Of course, I don't know if he does, in fact, like me. What do all the little actions mean? Maybe nothing, he could just be a nice person in general. But still...

At this very moment, I'm still afraid. How many times have I been broken? How many times more can I put myself back together?

No, it's better for me to leave R untouched, whether he likes me or not. And I can do it, because I know my Self wouldn't want to inflict itself on an unscarred soul like him.

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