First blog post in Bangkok!
I have an insane shopping itch nowwww omg. But we can't go to JJ market tomorrow because we have to WORK. ON A SATURDAY. That's right. There's no such thing as 5 day week here. My work schedule is 9am to 6pm from Monday to Fridays and Saturday is 9am to 2pm in the afternoon ))): But I BOUGHT 3 TOPS DURING LUNCH TIME WTF. I was surprised at myself. HAHAH. I have to justify though, that they're not new. They're second hand but they look fine. And i really love vintage clothes :D as long as i can pull it off i don't care.
Okay, so far I like my colleagues - Nan, Oat, Oaum and Took. Those are their nicknames, don't ask me what their real names are. We had free chicken rice today haha, have to treat them back before we leave. Chicken rice here ain't as good as Singapore though everything else is probably nicer. Actually, Thailand is like Taiwan - food everywhere is nice. Their chilli is really awesome 'cause it's spicy. Most Singaporean chicken rice chilli is more for flavouring then for burning-your-mouth goodness.
So far, its just that...and everyone has been really nice to me here, especially all my thailand 'uncles' and 'aunties'. In particular auntie ying - who brought us out for food and bought us all the crazy random things we needed ever since my parents left for Singapore. She's so motherly that she refuses to until we are showered and 'ready' for bed. This can't go on LOL. Have to be independent! It starts by washing my own clothes and speaking Thai to the real Thais and hope I'm not busted.
Okay, sleepy. Shall go surf 9gag for awhile then go to bed.
- sawatdee ka.
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emilythebizarre- May 18th, 23:45
- Shag max
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- emilythebizarre
- May 10th, 14:08
Past few days have been a whirlwind of activity. So freaking tired, but I can't complain since I'm the one leaving for 2 months.
On Monday, I had my JB cherry popped hahaha. With AJ, Afiq and Gernaine. Things were cheap beyond belief lol. Kosong prata $0.35, maggi cup noodles $0.70 and seafood dinner like $10 wtfff. But it really is dangerous, going across the causeway is like rewinding time 20 years. Sigh. Anyway, it was a good day out! And i made a 'gay' best friend haha.
Went swimming with my gay best friend on Tuesday. HTHT, learnt alot of things that I didn't know. Had dinner with my parents at Malaysian food street and met BFF for dinner at vivo. I wish most days can be like this, just friends and family. Life would be so good and simple.
Wednesday can only be described as one word: DISASTER. Went clubbing with Gernaine and Haowen, expecting a good night and of all things we had to see Sam AND Remi. Oh my god. Suay max can. I'm not really affected by it so much by seeing remi. I thought about J; but i think my ability to block things out has been strengthened. I just had to portray that i didn't care. I have no idea if this is a good or bad thing. Gernaine was emo for awhile, but at least I see that she has made some improvement over the past 3 months.
Okay time to go meet Constance, Justin and Yatkah lol. Later going for dinner with the TJ hockey people and watching the avengers with the duku road gang. What did i tell you? Today shag max.
- (no subject)
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- emilythebizarre
- May 7th, 1:28
Good boy isn't really a good boy after all.
Or maybe it's me.
Whatever, should take things more lightly. I would kill for the cure now.
- 3 people in 1 cubicle
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- emilythebizarre
- May 5th, 17:35
OMG I HATE PACKING.
WHY DO I HAVE SO MUCH JUNK?!
Still haven't packed or decided what stuff I'm going to bring over to Bangkok. RARR.
Went to phuture last night with Gernaine and Yingzi (: Super impromptu. I wanted to as well, because I dug up a photo of us while packing. So guess what I did? I CUT MYSELF OUT AND BURNT HIS FACE OUT HAHAHA. Fucking therapeutic, after all that I went through in the past 5 months. I actually cried, the first time in like a month. After reading kaykay's tweets about her ex-boyfriend, I feel the same. I might be a crazy psycho bitch sometimes, I think i did my part in being a good girlfriend. Everything went well until it fell apart - it's like unravelling a whole woven carpet with one tug.
Sigh. On the up side, i had fun last night. PLUS WE GOT FREE ENTRY COURTESY OF YZ'S FRIEND :DDD
So we only spent about $25, half of what we would have to spend haha. And we got damn high, better than wednesday. I really think its' because of the alcohol and the twisties HAHA. They're like the must-haves now. Ohh and we met Seann last night on the bridge while drinking lolol. Such a coincidence lah.
AND WE HID THE BOTTLE OF BAILEY'S UNDER THE TREE HAHAHA. Crazy things. And I saw so many people last night =.= wtf. Valerian and swee liang etc.
one crying, one aunt agony, one fucking gone + 1.
- Free
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- emilythebizarre
- May 3rd, 11:25
Up at 11am the next day after clubbing because people are coming to remove the things we wanna throw away for the painting to begin on Monday. Fucking falling asleep while waiting ):
Anyways, my exams are finally over! Even though I probably screwed myself up this sem, the relief of handing in the last script is so thick I could slice it with a knife. Haha.
Last night I finally met up with Gernaine and miss Looi, who has been really busy with exams and with tee because he had hfmd. Went back to Phuture with the both of them and it was raining FML. No drinks, no twisties. Damn sian but yuen's friend, the mr. Seann I've met last year came and we shared a jug of Malibu pineapple. It felt like I was drinking liquefied pineapple tarts haha.
Plus the music last night in the beginning wasn't very good either. So we were so bored we were almost just standing around. But as usual, things got better at about 2am. This is the good/bad thing about phuture, you know there'll be some good stuff at the end - just depends on how long you have to wait for it. And I think I will keep going back because they give free ice water hahahahaha. VERY IMPORTANT.
Bumped into Joshua Lum last night, PJ's ex, who was horrifically drunk. Somehow, you never know if drunk people know what they're doing, so do we continue making the excuse for them that they're drunk? It was quite disturbing because I didn't think I'll ever see him like that. And weirdly, he knows my name. I thought nobody knows me hahaha.
Okay the most important part of this post is to tell myself that I'm free. Not just from exams but from J's hold over me. I can finally let go of the fact that I don't belong to him, at least physically. Even though I can't feel what I'm feeling, I think the emotional part will come in later. I'm just happy I finally cleared this 'stage' after a 3 month struggle.
Want to end this saying that I'm really grateful to my friends, who have been there and understood me when no one else did. You know who you are ((: ❤❤❤
( Read more... )
- 为什么失去了，还要被惩罚呢？
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- emilythebizarre
- April 30th, 3:48
2 more papers to go.
The days ahead will be very, very busy. Studying gives me too much time to think, even though i know i have to study.
I don't know why but I keep thinking so much recently. Somehow, that wall i built between me and pain is crumbling. Now I think it's better to not feel anything at all.
Maybe its the recent urge to listen to Mayday's songs. They're killing me, especially 我不愿让你一个人 and 你不是真正的快乐. I want exams to hurry up and be over so i can go party and do other things to keep myself occupied so I don't think anymore.
How long will it take me to forget you? How long will it take before it stops hurting? How long will it take before your shadow is cast off from my life?
No more. I need those walls.
我再也不會夢, 或痛, 或心動了.
- 够了
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- emilythebizarre
- April 23rd, 4:09
blank
Talking to G about 1993, we feel that he's really still a little boy. An unscarred, innocent, inexperienced boy at the age of 19.
Both of us? Overly experienced pair of 21 year olds, wondering whether to protect him or to wake him up from that safe, untouched world of his that merely grazed the tip of the iceberg that is life.
Honestly, I feel that we should be doing the latter; but then again, I realized I lost that very innocence at the same (tender?) age of 19 as well. So many things happened that year; so many mistakes and wrong moves that i made, just because I didn't give a fuck. I didn't think that I could become any worse off. I was abandoned, broken, hurt to the deep reaches of my soul. I didn't believe I would make it back, but I did.
I did and here I am - abandoned, broken, and hurt all over again. Some part of me has disappeared into the abyss of cynicism, moral or other wise. I can no longer date an unscarred person, who doesn't understand what I've gone through. In fact, I don't think I can find this person at all. I am now in my prime, that is the truth. So, when that prime is over is 8 years or so, would I really remain single and fated to die alone? I don't know, but somehow, my brain is telling me it might not be all that bad.
I just feel so drained of everything. I feel like I have nothing else to give; I gave everything away since I was 16. 3 relationships in 4.5 years - everything feels so normal and no big deal when you put it in numbers and statistics. Sigh. I just feel so empty. AJ said, he doesn't feel pain anymore. I tried to feel myself, and all I get is numbness - I can't even feel what I'm feeling.
The scary part is: I'm not even scared anymore. I just feel like I don't give a fuck.
Good job, really. Good job.
Enough is enough.
不想再爱了, 不想再痛了, 就算会失去了天份
我想安稳, 我想完整, 我想我受的伤够了
- 想念是会呼吸的痛
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- emilythebizarre
- April 22nd, 5:19
My first blog post from the computer for a long time :D
Still awake at 5am, and I'm supposed to wake up at 10 plus tomorrow to meet Gernaine for lunch, and AJ's place after to mug )):
AND I ACTUALLY WENT TO P AGAIN last night HAHAHAHA. Went with G, Clara, Geraldine and Danny. I find it amusing that I can actually click with the SMU people; but the fact that it's S's clique leaves a rather bad aftertaste. I don't want to be taking over her friends. Oh wait, she has no friends. Mean but I really detest people who 重色轻友.
As for the clubbing, last night was relatively free to dance (: but i had a semi stalker across the dance floor again. LOL. I thought he was okay, but he sounded damn ah beng and gave off the bad boy vibe. NO MORE BAD BOYS; I'm not gonna fuck my life over. The resemblance is too much to bear. But i seem to feel more at east, with being more physically comfortable with the opposite gender. I hate J for making me feel that I belong to him so wholly, that I even feel this now. It's been 4 fucking months, way too long to feel like shit. Finally, i can say I'm free, even though he still has me enslaved to the standard that he is - nobody is good looking anymore, not even G's handsome.
Then there was this super gross bespectacled guy (who looks quite Korean imo) who kept touching my ass. Good god, i elbowed him and pushed his hands away countless times before he stopped. Fucking annoying. But at least I finally got abit high last night compared to the past few times. Thank you tequila shots, even though you're quite gross.
On another topic, Lincoln and YZ broke up. We found out on Tuesday night, when G, AJ and I were studying at the SMU library. She feels like me three years back, and almost the same age as well. I totally understand what she's going through, and I don't understand why Lincoln doesn't learn from his mistakes. Why doesn't he see that the way he handles things is really bad and hurtful? I hate how feelings abruptly end for him; and that he shows no sign of it.
Last night, G asked if I would take him back, if he loved me as much as before. I don't think so; my position on second chances hasn't changed. If he can hurt you once, he can hurt you again. People are like that, they may be grateful for awhile; but they forget. Same goes for J, as much as I love him, I won't take him back even if he begged me because he's a fucking loser who relies on women too much his entire life. He can't go without them. I need someone made of stronger stuff, stronger will power and more discipline.
Maybe I'll never find him.
Meh. Who needs men.我的微笑都假了, 灵魂像飘浮着, 你在就好了.
The pain never really goes away.
- Changes
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- emilythebizarre
- April 17th, 4:12
Was feeling abit sian a few days ago and I went back to read all my posts from day 1 I got this lj to this day. And I sure do not regret having this, because our memories have holes. Some of the things I did, felt or said a couple of years ago, I actually forgot. It's quite scary actually. How our memory fix themselves by omitting or lying to us because they don't have enough gray matter to remember everything.
Anyhow, that's not my main point. I think I did enough crazy things 3 years ago to last a lifetime. I saw my thinking mature alot and I'm behaving much more responsibly now. In short, Emily is growing up.
A sense of loss penetrates me, because I have lost my devil may care attitude yet deep down, I know this is for the better. So many things I want to say - but, there's no comfort to be gained from saying it. In fact, there's no comfort to be gained from anywhere anymore because of this loss.
On a lighter note. I'm texting a 19 year old guy WTF. All thanks to Gernaine lol. Her fault for attracting them.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
- Diseased
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- emilythebizarre
- April 13th, 3:10
Went out to P again last night. Cos G and I said that it would be the last time before exams start. And rightly so.
A bridge full of people drinking, and we were the only ones equipped with snacks haha. And the ratio? 1:8. That's just on the bridge.
I honestly don't know if it's good to have boy magnets as friends. Would you feel overshadowed, overlooked, like you don't matter? Or would you feel relieved, that you don't have to deal with this? I feel it both, honestly. This push-pull thing is annoying max.
Poly people annoy me. Maybe because J was from poly and he said the same thing to me the night we met as this 19 year old drunkard. I don't get the good looking ones, but when I do, I bag them straight away. Ha! That's what I try to console myself with.
Somehow, I can't luxuriate under someone's touch anymore. Life would be so much less painful if I could. I wonder if I could ever let go of myself again.
So many grenades as well last night, but none as big as Y haha!
My faith in men is still in the negative zone, even though I witnessed an exemplary attached man last night. I wonder if it'll ever come back. Will I have an Alex? I don't know.
But I miss you so much tonight. I love you still.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
